Love

Well we just finished Amanda's kindergarten year. And even though it flew by, a lot happened in those nine months. Her dad didn't contact her at all. We discovered that she is slowly losing her hearing. And finally, the biggest one, she was diagnosed with Asperger's. What does this mean for her? Well, honestly nothing really. She had her IQ tested and we discovered she is incredibly smart, and the school is going to let her try 2nd grade this fall. If it doesn't work out and she struggles, we will put her in 1st grade. I know that there are lots of reasons as to why I shouldn't do this, but here's my question to all the people who doubt my decision: Why should I hold her back? She loves to learn so let's let her learn. The biggest thing that worries me about her is that this is something she will have to deal with her entire life. She is already getting made fun of at school. It's heart breaking to see your child not understand why kids say the things or do the things they do to her. However, there is a plan in this. God has His reasons. We can't see them or most of the time understand them, but there is a plan in this. I believe that He has big plans for Amanda.

Now, my baby starts kindergarten this fall. I can't even begin to describe the emotions I am experiencing over that. She is my baby. Knowing that I may not have any more children makes this even harder. I look at her and I still see my precious toddler following me around because she wanted me to hold her.

I am so thankful for both of my children. They are so beautiful and unique in their own ways. I am loving watching them grow up and watching them learn about God and how He sent Jesus to die for our sins. I love listening to them belt out in the back seat "God's not Dead He's surely alive" when it comes on the radio.

I am have not made the right decisions when I was 18, 19, 20, even now. But God gave me those girls to change my life. And to show me about how much it hurt Him to send His own son to the cross.

Confrontation...

It's no secret. If you know you know I'm terrified of confrontation. I'm tried to figure out  what about it scares me and I honestly have no idea. I just know I'm so scared of it, I will do anything to avoid it. And a lot of times that means, causing myself extra work. People tell me all the time, I let people walk all over me. I don't see it that way.

However, I wonder if there is a reason. The Bible tells us to "turn the other check."  I don't like upsetting people, even if they've upset me. This isn't always the case, if you get me mad enough *cough* my ex husband, you won't like the words that come out of my mouth.

So my question in all this rambling is, is there a difference between "turning the other check" and "getting walked on"????

A praying mother

While browsing the internet last night after class, I found where my step daughter (who I haven't met) posted that she has no desire to meet me or my daughters. I took this statement very personal and was really upset and hurt by this. After spending sometime with my thoughts and prayers I realized a few things. 1. Why am I letting a teenager have control over my emotions? 2. There has to be a reason she feels this way. I may not be the cause but I won't add to it. 3. My kids may not get to know their step sister, but that is her loss and not theirs. 4. I need to spend more time praying. 5. God is the God of restoration. 6. She hasn't had an easy life with her dad being an addict some of her life. 7. She needs someone praying for her. 

I will be the mom that prays for my children. She may not be mine, but she will still be prayed for. I believe that I serve a God of the impossible. I may not agree with her post but I haven't been in her shoes.

http://sermonseeker.com/sermons/Holiday/The%20Power%20Of%20A%20Praying%20Mother



I love the first statement of this sermon: 

How can a mother make the greatest impact on the lives of her children? I believe she can do this by praying earnestly, regularly and passionately for them.


I will pray more.

He needs them..

Where has time gone?! I feel like this past year or so has gone by so fast. Amanda starts kindergarten in less than a month, how did that happen!?! I'm not ready for that. I remember school, and the kids were so mean. I just pray she doesn't have a hard time in school.

 My husband hasn't really spent anytime with his children in over 3 years. That started because he got arrested for drugs. He's been clean ever since and has finally got his life back in order and now they don't want to have anything to do with him. I know that having an addict for a parent isn't easy. My dad was alcoholic, wait, he still is; however, now he is a functioning alcoholic. I can remember him being arrested for DWI, visiting him in treatment centers, him being so drunk he couldn't walk. I know that they have a lot of resentment towards him, because he was being selfish and making horrible decisions. Anyways, back to the bad advice. He had joint custody and was paying child support but still wasn't seeing them. So I told him, to fight for his children. I told him that they may not appreciate it now, but when they are older they will look back and say that dad didn't give up on us, he fought for us. Don't think that he didn't want to do something, he did, it tore him up that his kids didn't want to see him. He would cry when he would talk about rubbing Keeley's back until she fell asleep, coaching Tyler's little league, etc. He missed them so much, but he didn't want to make them see him. So, he finally decided to follow  my advice, well months later, no progress, and the kids won't have anything to do with him or me. All I can do is pray, pray for restoration for that family. They don't see it now, but they need each other. He needs them in his life, I can tell that he isn't whole without them. Faith, that's what I am doing, I'm having faith. Faith, that one day, they will have an amazing relationship again.

Where are You?

Have you ever gotten to a point where you don't know what else to do? All you do is cry to God, "I need you now!!" You don't know what to pray for.  All you pray for is His will to be done, because you know in your heart of hearts that His will is far better than anything you could ever imagine. I'm at a loss as to what to do with my daughter, she has been manipulated into thinking she doesn't want to live with me. Do you know how much that hurts? And she is acting out so bad. I just KNOW that He has a plan. Some days are so difficult when it seems like everything around you is setting you up for failure. When it feels like the walls are coming down on your life... There is protection in His will and that's where I want to be. I am so thankful for my children, I look at them and am reminded how truly blessed I am to have these pure children how love me.  And then there is my husband, if it wasn't for him, I don't know what I would do with out him.

James 1:12
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Romans 5:3-4
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Galatians 6:9 

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Romans 2:7
To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life.

Hebrews 10:36
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

1 Chronicles 16:11
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.

Matthew 10:22
All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.

Romans 8:28 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

2 Thessalonians 3:5
May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance.

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

1 Corinthians 13:6-7
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Timothy 4:16
Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.

Hebrews 12:1
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

2 Peter 1:5-7
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

James 5:11
As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

Hebrews 2:1
We must pay more careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away.

Revelation 2:2-3
I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.

Recent goal... Didn't start out as a goal...

So this week instead of turning on the TV while I cook dinner and while we eat I have been paying Kari Jobe on Pandora on my phone... Has it made a difference? I don't know. But I do know as a Christian we must surround ourselves with positive influences because if it comes in our ears it goes to our brain which then controls our thoughts.  I want to meditate 24/7 on God's goodness and His mercy. I want my kids to see that... I want them to want Him... I want them to have a fire for Him... Most days I am a failure but the Bible says we have ALL fallen short (Romans 3:23).  But there is this amazing thing called Mercy! And it is new everyday... So my new goal... Listen to christian music while I am cooking dinner and while we eat every night...

What I once was..

I am in no resemblance of the teenager I once was. I was an awkward girl, who thought that I was a nobody. I rarely talked to anyone that didn't first talk to me. I am not sure what I would have done had I ever gotten in a fight with someone, I probably would have laid down and let them beat up on me. I know that I never stood up for myself.  Now I look at the daughters I am raising, I don't want them to be like that. I want them to be confident and strong in who they are. I want them to be the girl that everyone wants to be friends with. I want them to know that God loves them and that they love God. I want them to not worry about what others think of them. God, let me be an example of You to them.

I am a hypocrite..

Rush of Fools sings a song called Undo, and in it there is a line that says:

To label me a hypocrite would be only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be.

True Dat.

Most days, I feel like a hypocrite. I preach don't judge, and then judge the person standing in front of me at WalMart. I'm no better than the next person, the Bible says we are ALL sinners, and we ALL have fallen short.

I am no better.

Raining

My dad always use to say, "When it rains it pours." This summer that couldn't be more true in our life.
School is overwhelming, almost.
Work, is ridiculous (Welcome to summer in Branson) add to that employees who don't know what is appropriate behavior.
My ex is.... ugh.. not even going to go there (My mom always said if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.. and I really don't have anything nice to say.)
A wedding I'm trying to plan with no money...
And my car messing up AGAIN!!!! And this time it's another major issue... So now I'm upside down in a loan on a car that has already costed me $600 plus dollars this summer...

Lord,

I know that you have a plan... And you promised to never give me more than I can handle...

I am trusting in You to help and to Provide.

I am leaning on You and your word... My human nature is about to break down... Lord You see my tears. I pray for wisdom and strength.

I love you and am so grateful my life is in your hands. Please help me to remember that you have all this under control.

Thank you

Am I More?

Sometimes I get to point where I really being to wonder if God can see past all the mistakes I've made. People look at me and tell me that you are a really good person. But they don't know. They don't know all the stupid things I've done. All the hurts I've caused. All the problems I've caused. They don't know the selfish decisions I've made. And being a parent, most days I feel like I've failed at being a good parent. And when I share my thoughts with other people they don't understand why I feel this way. "Because you are a good person." The Bible says that being a good person isn't good enough. I want to have a heart for Him. I want to be close to Him, but everything I do pulls me away from Him. Failure. It's becoming a familiar feeling.



I heard this song on the way to work this morning and it made me cry, because it reminded me I've been remade.

Don't call me that.

Am I the only that doesn't like it when others call you an inspiration? I'm not an inspiration. I am not someone to look up to. I am so worried that my actions will lead others astray, when I'm trying to lead them to Him. So please don't get mad if I say I'm not someone to look up to. I'm struggling with myself to keep putting God first, and I fail most days.

One of those days...

I am just so glad that God has given me a heart that one days like today, when I think about His grace and His mercy, I am overwhelmed to the point of tears.  God loves me. God provides for me. God is still God even if my world was falling apart. Some days, I have a tendency to forget how good He is to me. And then there are days like today where all I can think about is his goodness.

I refuse

I love music.. I love listening to music, especially when the lyrics really speak to me. I have been told that I have a worshiper's heart. And I agree with that statement, because I love to sing praise and worship music, and I love to worship. There's something about it that really feeds my soul. I know that I have a horrible singing voice but I don't care.

Today's song is I Refuse by Josh Wilson, because it says,


But I refuse
'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care
I don't want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh, I could choose
Not to move but I refuse




I love this song, because that is the desire of my heart. I don't want to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself! I refuse! 


Love that song. 

A thousand times I failed...

These lyrics are hitting home today:
A thousand times I failed still Your mercy remains.

A THOUSAND times I failed... not just 10, not a 100, but 1000.. That's me, I fail over and over again, and yet You are always there arms wide open awaiting my return.

Praise Your Name!

20 Seconds

So lately I keep being reminded of this simple thought: "All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage and something beautiful will come out of it." (The thought is from the movie We Bought a Zoo). And then at church last night we had a guest preacher and he preached about fear and courage and our faith in God, and how we need to put Him first in EVERYTHING we do.  Well on my way to work this morning the song Walk on The Water by Britt Nicole and the bridge says:
(step out)
Even when its storming
(step out)
Even when you're broken
(step out)
Even when your heart is telling you telling you to give up
(step out)
When your hope is stolen
(step out)
You can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid


I don't know why I keep being reminded of this, all I can do is pray. God if you are preparing me for something, Lord please change me and mold me into what you would have me be.  I don't know the future but you hold it in your hands. You know my steps before I do. I praise Your mighty name and and so thankful for all the wonderful things you have/are/will do in my life.


Thank you for loving me even in my sin and in all my faults. Thank you for showing me unconditional love. Thank you for your grace and your mercy which are new everyday. I pray that my desire and fire for you never dwindle and never go out. You are my desire. You are my passion. You are my life.

When we can't feel Him

I was listening to the song "Blessings" by Laura Story, which I've heard probably a hundred times, but today I actually listened to the words and they really spoke to me. The second verse it says:

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

That is me. When I can't fell Him near I get angry at Him. I think I take for granted that feeling of Him near. However, we can't trust our feelings because they can mislead us. God's word says that He will never forsake us, that He loves us. Luke 12:23-25 says "Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!" That right there should tell you how much He love you. His word is what we need to rely on, not how we feel. Just because you don't "feel" like God loves you, doesn't mean He doesn't. Look in His word to see how much He loves you. He gave His son, so that YOU would have everlasting life (with Him!)!!!

Example

We need a generation on fire for Christ... We need people who are willing to lead this generation.. We need revival in our schools!!!!!!!!

We have to remember we are walking examples of Christ, of His love, His grace, and His mercy. We do NOT have to be perfect, we are human, but we have to remember we are not of this world!!!!!!!! We have all been called to shine His light to this world!!

Do not let someone tell you you aren't a Christian because you said a curse word, or because you had a glass of wine, or because you don't go around shoving the bible down every one's throat. You're relationship with God is between you and Him. However, don't go around saying you are a Christian knowing you aren't right with Him, because you are just going to lead people further away from Him.

God has called us to love Him and love His people. Are you doing that?! Or are you judging them before you even know them?! Are you "hating" them because they don't dress like you?! Love your neighbor!! Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!

Before you judge someone put yourself in their place. God loves us for what He sees in us.. Not what we see in ourselves! :)

You are...

Simply put... You are my everything. How could I have gone my entire life and not known that? My everything, if I never find another husband, if I lose my job tomorrow, if I discover I have cancer tomorrow, it doesn't matter. You are everything to me.
Jehovah Jireh - My Provider!
Jehovah Nissi - You reign in VICTORY!
Jehovah Shalom - Prince of Peace
And you are the teacher of unconditional love. You continue to love me despite ALL my short comings, and all my mistakes.
LOVE this verse:
1 Peter 1:9
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

PRAISE HIM!! We do not live in the dark anymore but in the light!!!

Prayer-
God,

I do not know what's in my future, and am so glad that it's in Your hands. I am also so thankful that I am becoming a much better example of Your love for my children. I still have a ways to go, but I am making progress. God I pray that I be an example of Your light and Your love to the hurting generation. They are so in need of YOU!!!! God give me the words and the courage!!!!

Those who forgive much have been forgiven of much!!

Thank you JESUS!!!

One Mistake Away

Have you ever heard that song East to West by Casting Crowns? If not here is the link, please listen to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6zdihmwy1M&feature=related

Dear God,
I know that I should never judge my relationship with You based on feelings, because if I did I would feel unworthy and unsaved almost every day!!!! Today is no exception. God I know that you love me and I know that my sins are forgotten by You, but today I am feeling just like that songs says, I am just one mistake away from you leaving this way. And I am, in a way, glad I feel like this because in makes me seek Your face more and more and more! God I desire to be a living light for you. I pray to show Your love to all I come in contact with. I pray over my children Lord may they never have a day where they doubt Your or my love for them. Lord I pray for all those that are lost, or hurting or broken I pray they find you. God You are amazing!

Peace that Passes all Understanding!
Ashlee

Dear God!!

Getting involved... Starting somewhere in ministry and discovering where God wants us to be... This was the message Saturday night. Well, unknown to anyone but God and myself, I have no idea where I am suppose to be in ministry. Do I believe I am called? Yes, not to preach but somewhere. I do know that I am worshiper, I have the heart of a worshiper. I believe we are all called to worship Him, but I am called to worship. So that leads me to the reason behind this blog...
While driving home today "How He Loves Us" by David Crowder Band started playing and I had this idea.  At a church I use to attend had what they called drama's where the youth group would act out a song, and some would sign the words to the song while the song played. As simple as they sound they were always soooooo moving!!! So I got this idea that we should do this at Church Army, I then proceeded to call the preacher's wife and told her about it. She told me to talk to the children's teacher and then call her back and let her know what she thought of it. After we hung up I started to get all thoughts about the logistics of it, like how could I actually pull something like this off? etc.. And then the scene from Facing the Giants came to my mind, the part at the end of the movie after they win the state championship and they are in the locker room and their coach is saying, "What is impossible with God?" and the players are all saying "Nothing!!" I will leave it up to God!

So my question is, Could this be a God thing? Like, I wish I could put in words how excited I am about this! Could this be what God wants me to do?

PRAY! PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!!!